Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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