I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
