so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
