Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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