I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
