If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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