And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
