this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
