Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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