I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
