At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
