I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
