im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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