I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
