Me. At least after what I've been through.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
