Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
