I think my fart just growled at me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
