i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
