You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
