when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
