he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
