i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
