That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Someone came in the potted fern
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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