I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
