when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
