I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
