life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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