I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
where are you?
Hypothermia
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
