That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
