Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
