Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
