You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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