just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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