Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
