Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
