she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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