Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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