My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think I sprained my soul last night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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