Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
