just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
