She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
