i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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