am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
