I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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