You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
