Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
