Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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