Umm I'm too high to move.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
