I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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