I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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