im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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