we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
